I have had singing

Today was whatever. Full of ups and downs. One of the significant ups was listening to a small men's choir sing I Have Had Singing. There are not many lyrics, but the ones that stand out to me are "I lie here. I have had pleasure enough. I have had singing." When I hear these things all other thoughts melt away and I welcome that which is omnipresent- passion, music, death. They are all the same.

I picture an old man on his death bed breathing out these last words, as if there weren't any other so worthy. And I desperately wish for that to be me.

Your rebound is an asshole

Well, today was not good on the whole. Pretty depressing, actually. And, as always, the one person who could have continued to make it better just made it a little worse. But whatever.

I have not been to history class in over a week. I need to go on Wednesday, but my work also needs to be done. I bombed an ear training midterm last week. Ear training is a breeze for me. I do not know what is going on.

More than ever I want to leave here. I am doubting what his society and this school is doing for me. I am unconvinced of their general approach to education. Since I was a child, education has been the main means of separation between "successful" and "unsuccsessful" people- those who wanted something out of life and those who were content living a menial one. But don't we all want something from life? Namely happiness? And no one can give you the path to reach it. Find your own.

For me, though I am a social person and enjoy the benefits of urban dwelling, I don't really care to be a functioning member of society. I am nobody's function, and I function for no one but myself. So my perfect life may very well be hermit residence in a forest somewhere. Somewhere with consistent and temperate weather. Somewhere I can practice violin for eight hours per day and listen to recordings and feel connected to something I choose to connect to- that chooses to connect to me. Somewhere that my husband/wife and I can live a life free of whatever it is that the city is dependent on. A life massive libraries and tea and quiet time. An independence unknown to the rest of he world. A life without taxes- because those are just annoying.

I want to feel that joy of letting Mozart fill a room and experiencing the most private, enveloping pain you will experience at any time on this Earth. These things are all I want: independence/responsibility, love, and music. How hard can it be to find them?

Alright...

Let's get over this shit. It's not a big deal. Apologize and smooth it over. This is stupid.

More problems with Will today. Of course. I really don't mean to blow this out of proportion, and I really don't think that much of it, but if you push someone out of anger you better have a good reason. One better than being disgruntled upon being woken up. I feel bad for him. His partner ditched him yesterday, and honestly he has to deal with a lot of shit from both me and Grace about him. I don't like him. I think she needs to do better. But ditching someone shouldn't be okay by anyone's standards. So there we have it. Unfortunately, the night was going really well before that. I was really happy.

This drama will not be ending soon. I do not feel a conclusion coming on. But I suppose we'll get through it. I don't know.

Me and Conor

 

Fools- it's my birthday

So today is my birthday!! I've turned 20 and it's a nice feeling. There's a party being thrown in my honor this evening by some amazing friends. I'll head over there soon. I spent most of the morning/afternoon with Will. As with most of our encounters, this one contained great times and not so great ones. Reading his blog posts that talk about his new boyfriend are annoying and, unfortunately a bit depressing. Really only for reaons that I should be over, and mostly am. Our friendship is...complicated. We're both quick to get upset most of the time, but we're also pretty compatible. We could easily be great friends if our past was a little different. We got pho with Grace while the weather transitioned from a sunny disposition to a angry downpour of rain to less rain to no rain to more rain. I should be used to this by now. Im still with both Will and Grace in Will's apartment, and Beverly is here. He's being oddly pleasant but I'm sure most of us would take a chance to throw him out the window. Or perhaps place him on a windy balcony. I have been insanely stressed lately. I can't seem to catch up academically or musically to the levels I need to be and it's really troublesome. My private teacher isn't very happy with me and won't be unless I come in with a flawless performance on Monday. I'm excited to practice like, eight hours per day until then, but I wish I could do it because I want to, not because I have to. I have no idea what my summer plans are, still. All I do know is that I am going to Michigan for a month to study at Bay View. I want to visit Claire in Portland for a few weeks, and that is feasible if I can find a job there. But other than that, we'll see. I really don't want to go back to Spokane for the remainder off the summer. Especially because my friends are mostly staying here. Except for Bobbi- she's going back to Spokane, too. In closing, Stuart will not be able to make it to my party tonight. This is disappointing, but also slightly relieving. No embarrassing moments (though those can be some of the best to share), and no drunk make out sessions. These are good things. I don't think we're ready for each other, anyway. I am probably going to be alone until I die. I can kind of feel it. We'll see. But yay! Birthday! Everyone's being so nice on Facebook/IRL. Pretty sure they should all treat me like this every day. No JK. Love, Karen P.S. Got my bangs cut today! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!